Indian HOT or NOT

If you’ve spent any time at all on trashy internet sites, you must know about “Hot or Not” (www.hotornot.com). Well, I’ve got a few remarks to make and some dichotomous categories for India. These are my votes:

Squat or Not?

• Finding a nice toilet—Squat! Why, there is a veritable village of toilets behind Saragur hospital. I just discovered this incredible sight today, as I wandered out back from the canteen and spotted a rainbow row of tiny little houses. On closer inspection, it’s a permanent exhibit of different toilet facilities that can be built in nearby villages, with price tags to show how much each installment costs. The prices are low, the colors are brilliant, the need is great—and, as awareness spreads, hopefully so too will become the demand.

• Going to the bathroom—Not! So many drapings…so few arms… Going to the bathroom makes me wish I was Ganesha. I would use my many limbs to keep pant legs from dragging, scarf ends from falling, and salwar edges from dipping. It’s hard. Going to the bathroom in this outfit requires as much practice, planning, and acrobatics as the Chinese Olympic Gymnastics Team.

Breeze or Tease?

• Finding vegetarian food—Breeze! It’s a relief to eat without ever having to check for meat first. Even better, it’s wonderful that I don’t have to strain cooks and kitchens with my unexpected and/or culturally-inappropriate demands for vegetarian food. Go veg!

• Eating said food—Tease! Basically everything is eaten without utensils and using only one hand. For my first few days, I ate like a messy baby, dropping food in my lap, smearing it into unscoopable mush on my plate, and covering my whole forearm with goo and juice. Now I can manage a meal much better, but I still don’t know how to get liquids from plate to mouth. I’ve seen it done with a swiping hand circle and quick lift to the mouth, though—quite an incredible dance of hand-mouth coordination—so I’m practicing. One thing is for sure: this baby does solids before liquids.

• Drinking beverages—Tease! Drinks are poured down the gullet from a safe distance above the lips. This is a tricky trick that can make a person quite wet, but, when done properly, the cups, pitchers, or spoons that you’re drinking from don’t have to be cleaned between users. Neat!

Trial or Smile?

• Getting dressed—Trial! In this part of rural India, women dress to keep legs, neckline, and pelvis covered at all times: billowing pants (kameez) take care of the legs; a long, wide scarf draped over the front, thrown over the shoulders, and hanging loose down the back takes care of the neckline; and a tunic-style shirt (salwar) goes past the knees and provides adequate coverage of the suggestive inseam. The first challenge was to get into town and acquire appropriate wear before my only appropriate outfit got too stinky. Now, finesse is my main clothing concern. Little by little, as I am learning to keep the scarf from slipping and remembering to lift my pant legs on muddy walks (also see “Squat or Not”), it’s getting easier.

• Using basic Kannada to make a friend—Smile! Even if you don’t speak Kannada, the situation is in the foreigner’s favor: as long as you look funny enough, you can surely develop a following of curious kids wherever you go! This morning, while waiting for the bus to Saragur, we sidelined about 20-30 children on their way to school. At first, they stopped and stared from a safe distance of 10 feet or more. After several minutes, a brave student pretended to casually walk past us, continued on for a few steps, then turned around, and returned to his friends to report on his findings. Next, the students held a mini-conference; we suspect this was to plan their conversation with us. Finally, they asked us our names. A very cute exchange ensued… We inquired after each others’ breakfasts, sang Kannada songs incorrectly and tried to teach the ending lines of the ABC’s, and mostly just stared and smiled. As school time approached, it was sad to say goodbye. They were able to tear away from us with a promise of more staring and smiling tomorrow. “Bye!” “Ciao!” “Tomorrow!” “Cheerio!” Their courageous faces glowed pure triumph.

• Going for a run—Trial! But if you can manage to run in salwar and kameez and don’t mind fighting off the wild dogs…you should have no problem. Sadly, these dogs really scare me.